Today, that was this post from The Better Mom. It hit the nail on the head, hard.
I went through emotions of feeling useless when my son was born, and I didn't love being a mom so much. I was grieving the loss of my freedom and felt like having a child was a distraction from fulfilling the call of God on my life. I worked through that though, by saying out loud to myself that I love being a mom, by telling my son that I love being his mom, and by reminding myself that being a mom doesn't take away from God's call on my life; it's a part of it! It didn't take long until I was at peace with the whole "being a stay-at-home mom" thing, and I couldn't remember ever feeling like I didn't love it.
Or so I thought.
This last week I randomly (read: I had an idea and didn't pray about it, therefore trying to make it work by my own efforts) decided to attend online grad school. I contacted several schools with my major of interest (counseling), applied to two of them, got my financial aid information in, ordered transcripts, contacted references...the whole shebang.
But the whole time, I knew now wasn't the right time. I knew it would be overwhelming and stressful and distracting. I knew it would only put us more into debt than we already are, which alone was enough reason not to do it as we're trying to get out of debt, not add to it. I tried to justify it to myself and my husband (who from the beginning didn't think it was the right time) by weighing the pros: we'd get a military discount, I'd make scholarship-applying my part-time job, I'd have a professional degree by the time our son goes to preschool, etc.
But the Lord's still, small voice was ever present, reminding me what He told me months ago: this is my quiet season; a season of much-needed personal rest. (Yet another reason I gave up social media two months ago.)
So, after a week of unnecessary stress, mental unrest, ignoring my kid, and being hit with a full-on cold that probably would have been over by now had I simply taken time to pause, think, and pray...I'm happy to say that I won't be doing grad school just yet.
Maybe someday, but not today.
My reasons for wanting to go right now stemmed fully from feeling bored, a bit useless, a bad case of writer's block, and feeling as though my dreams and goals might actually be unrealistic. I felt as though I was wasting my time and my talents sitting at home, and started listening to the lies that told me I'd never be a published author and that I'd never write anything worth reading; that I'd never be able to support mine and my husband's ministry dreams with a writer's income; that I might as well just get a "real job" when Declan goes to school.
But I stopped listening.For one thing, that's not what God has ever told me. He believes in my dreams, and He should; He gave them to me! If the God of the universe thinks I have what it takes to write awesome stuff and be in full-time ministry, then I ought to believe I can too. And if I remember to let Him guide my pen (well, fingers), then I know I'll accomplish what He wants me to accomplish, when He wants me to accomplish it.
It's no fun dreaming small, and it's no fun trying to make things happen in your own strength. I'll see certain dreams of mine come to fruition when the time is right; when it's His time. I don't have to settle for ordinary, expected, or anything less than the very best that God has for me...and neither do you! I can (and should) work hard for my dreams to become realities, but I don't have to do it alone or force it into existence. God knows what's best for me and when, and at the end of the day, despite my impatience and apparent ADD, I'd rather let Him take my hand and lead me down His path than try and make my own way.
He is the Way, and I'd rather follow Him.
We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer.
(Proverbs 16:1, NLT)
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
(Proverbs 16:9, NLT)
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