(And apparently, accommodating to adequate alliteration.)
At the very tail-end of May, just over 24 hours after graduating from Bible college, Brent and I moved from Oklahoma back to Idaho. We didn't have a clue what was waiting for us in the land of potatoes and, well...other stuff. But we knew it was where God wanted us to go.
(By the way, in my last term of school I wrote this blog post recapping our time at school. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to give it a whirl. Not because it's particularly brilliant, but it might shed some better light on this post.)
A lot has happened in the nearly three months since moving back, and there's no way I can (or would want to) recall every tiny detail. However, I haven't written much of anything significant in *cough*four months*cough*, and because the last four weeks have been some of the most strange, emotional, frustrating, confusing and stressful weeks of my life (for an array of reasons), I figured a brief recap would be a good segue back into my writing routine and would help me to organize my very cluttered brain.
So, about that alliteration. Let's start with...
Intimidating. Brent and I had no idea what God had in store for us upon returning. We of course have a much better idea now, and while nothing is set in stone and a lot still has to take place, we've been testing the waters since being back. All I can say is that besides falling into place beautifully, being a great opportunity, and making a whole lot of sense...it's utterly terrifying to me. My thoughts have ranged from "this can't be right" to "this must be it" to "how is this going to work?" to "I couldn't do this if I tried" to "I can do this with my eyes closed" to "what the heck am I doing with my life?!" (And that's just one day's worth of thoughts, too.) But with that being said, I have faith in my very faithful God. I'm no longer trying to sort it all out on my own. I'm just going to serve people, my church and the Lord, sit back, and let whatever happens happen. I'm but a sheep who knows the voice of her Shepherd (see the earlier post I mentioned). He's got me, so I've got this...whatever "this" may end up being. I just need to listen, and I really just need to chill.
"If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success." (Proverbs 3:5-6, TLB)
"I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and power." (Philippians 4:13, TLB)
Interesting. Honestly, I think this word sums up the last [almost] three months pretty accurately. I'm not even sure the other words are all that necessary in light of this one, because this word applies to all the others. In fact, it's all-encompassing of the past couple years, let alone the past couple months. I've made mistake after error after blunder - with my words, in my thoughts, by my actions. I've been confused, I've been brokenhearted, I've been angry, I've been stupid. I've been ecstatic, I've been restful, I've been simple, I've been wise. I've had ups and downs and in-betweens...so goes the life of a human. I've stood up for myself and cared way too much about what people think; there have even been a few moments where I haven't cared what they thought at all, which is rare for me. All in all, the "interesting" part of this summer has simply been its perfect balance of learning opportunities: the right way and the the wrong way; the ups and the downs; the pros and the cons; the easy and the difficult.
"Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live, I’ll wholeheartedly obey." (Psalm 119:34, TLB)
Introspective. This one really goes hand-in-hand with "interesting," because with the learning opportunities I just mentioned comes the actual...you know...learning. And that's where introspection comes into play. One thing I'll give myself is that I'm self-aware. Not always perfectly, by any means, but I do know myself well enough to humbly admit my failures and weaknesses, and to humbly admit my successes and strengths (and no, that's not an oxymoron). This summer has been no stranger to self-reflection or self-examination. Like all of us, I haven't always immediately acted on what I've learned or realized about myself, good or bad. But nevertheless, I am learning and I am realizing.
There are a lot of things I could comment on in this section, but I think the biggest issue I've had while acclimating back to life outside the "Bible school bubble" is simply how religious I became while I was there. I remember the first time I noticed that I was becoming a Pharisee. I could tell you exactly what made me recognize it and exactly where I was when I did. It upset me...it embarrassed me...it angered me. But I didn't do a single thing to change it. I was too caught up in the culture; too prideful. I acknowledged it, sure. To God, my husband, my friends, myself...but I usually made it a joke.
Even since being back home, I've made it a joke. And people laugh; I laugh. One thing I've noticed about being open about one's flaws is that people love it. It doesn't make them feel alone; it allows them to let their guard down; it's real. I love people, so I love when people can be comfortable around me and vice versa. People have always told me they love how open, honest and real I am and how comfortable I make them feel; and I'm a "words of affirmation" girl, so I eat that up. I take that on as my identity. I'm the "real" girl. I'm the "open" one. "Look at me, I don't need walls...look at how open I am! Let me tell everyone everything I've ever done or dealt with so you'll feel comfortable around me and I'll feel important!" Gross...pride is so gross. (See. Introspection. It works wonders, I'm telling you. It's just the "doing something about it" part...)
So I keep making the same joke. "Whoops! Oh silly me, I became a Pharisee."
But it's not funny. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's actually a really, really big deal and needs to be eradicated. So currently, I'm working on this. I guess you could say, I'm working on my love life. I'm having to relearn something as simple and basic as how to love people with God's kind of love. And that's hard for a recent Bible school graduate to admit, despite how open she may be...
"Check up on yourselves. Are you really Christians? Do you pass the test? Do you feel Christ’s presence and power more and more within you? Or are you just pretending to be Christians when actually you aren’t at all?" (2 Corinthians 13:5, TLB)
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how His ways will really satisfy you." (Romans 12:2, TLB)
"Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us. Keep your eyes on Jesus, our Leader and Instructor." (Hebrews 12:1-2a, TLB)
I'm young and naive and a bit immature, but I'm not as young, naive and immature as I sometimes think. I am capable of pouring into people's lives. I do have something to offer and bring to the table that only I can, whatever that may be. I may be young, but I am able...because He enables me. I've made (and will continue to make) mistakes, but I know exactly who I am in Christ. I don't need to dwell on my past mistakes anymore either, whether it was a mistake from 10 years ago or a mistake I made this morning. Learn...forgive...forget...move on. I don't need to search for my identity anymore, though I'll always be learning and growing. I know who He says I am, who He made me to be, and who He wants me to be. I just need to hone some things, like we all do and will continue having to do. And at the end of the day, I just need to chill. Breathe. Relax. I need to cut myself a break. I need to cut everyone else a break, too. We're all learning, all growing, all figuring this Christianity thing out...all figuring this life thing out!
"Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done and won’t need to compare himself with someone else. Each of us must bear some faults and burdens of his own. For none of us is perfect!" (Galatians 6:3-5, TLB)
"But now God has shown us a different way to heaven—not by 'being good enough' and trying to keep His laws, but by a new way (though not new, really, for the Scriptures told about it long ago). Now God says He will accept and acquit us—declare us 'not guilty'—if we trust Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, by coming to Christ, no matter who we are or what we have been like." (Romans 3:21-22, TLB)
"But if we confess our sins to Him, He can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins." (1 John 1:9, TLB)
"Don’t let anyone think little of you because you are young. Be their ideal; let them follow the way you teach and live; be a pattern for them in your love, your faith, and your clean thoughts." (1 Timothy 4:12, TLB)
And finally, incredible. Life is truly amazing here in Idaho. I have loved picking up with old friends and making new ones. I've loved being in the same town as our families again. I have fallen in love with my home church in a way that I had never before, and have realized what an awesome church family I have and am blessed to be a part of. I've been so blessed to watch my husband grow more and more into the mighty man God has called him to be. We found out last month that we'll be welcoming a baby boy into our home this winter; we've named him Declan James and can't wait to meet him! Have there been some hard times? Yes. Some awkward times? Sure. Some heartbreaking and confusing moments? Unfortunately. But there have been inspiring times and restful times and hilarious times and excellent times. As is life. God is faithful. He is a Keeper of His promises. He is unchanging, even when everything else around me is. He is constant. He never fails me. He never leaves me. He is able. He is strong. He is mighty. He is perfect. He is Love, and He is Lord. He loves me...and I love Him.
And at the end of the day, that's all I ever really need to know anyway.
"But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile—now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order that I can have Christ, and become one with Him, no longer counting on being saved by being good enough or by obeying God’s laws, but by trusting Christ to save me; for God’s way of making us right with Himself depends on faith—counting on Christ alone. Now I have given up everything else—I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought Him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with Him. So whatever it takes, I will be one who lives in the fresh newness of life of those who are alive from the dead. I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us." (Philippians 3:7-14, TLB)
