Dreaming with God

I love it when God brings things across my path that are exactly what I need, when I need them.

Today, that was this post from The Better Mom. It hit the nail on the head, hard.

I went through emotions of feeling useless when my son was born, and I didn't love being a mom so much. I was grieving the loss of my freedom and felt like having a child was a distraction from fulfilling the call of God on my life. I worked through that though, by saying out loud to myself that I love being a mom, by telling my son that I love being his mom, and by reminding myself that being a mom doesn't take away from God's call on my life; it's a part of it! It didn't take long until I was at peace with the whole "being a stay-at-home mom" thing, and I couldn't remember ever feeling like I didn't love it.

Or so I thought.

This last week I randomly (read: I had an idea and didn't pray about it, therefore trying to make it work by my own efforts) decided to attend online grad school. I contacted several schools with my major of interest (counseling), applied to two of them, got my financial aid information in, ordered transcripts, contacted references...the whole shebang.

But the whole time, I knew now wasn't the right time. I knew it would be overwhelming and stressful and distracting. I knew it would only put us more into debt than we already are, which alone was enough reason not to do it as we're trying to get out of debt, not add to it. I tried to justify it to myself and my husband (who from the beginning didn't think it was the right time) by weighing the pros: we'd get a military discount, I'd make scholarship-applying my part-time job, I'd have a professional degree by the time our son goes to preschool, etc.

But the Lord's still, small voice was ever present, reminding me what He told me months ago: this is my quiet season; a season of much-needed personal rest. (Yet another reason I gave up social media two months ago.)

So, after a week of unnecessary stress, mental unrest, ignoring my kid, and being hit with a full-on cold that probably would have been over by now had I simply taken time to pause, think, and pray...I'm happy to say that I won't be doing grad school just yet.

Maybe someday, but not today.

My reasons for wanting to go right now stemmed fully from feeling bored, a bit useless, a bad case of writer's block, and feeling as though my dreams and goals might actually be unrealistic. I felt as though I was wasting my time and my talents sitting at home, and started listening to the lies that told me I'd never be a published author and that I'd never write anything worth reading; that I'd never be able to support mine and my husband's ministry dreams with a writer's income; that I might as well just get a "real job" when Declan goes to school.

But I stopped listening.For one thing, that's not what God has ever told me. He believes in my dreams, and He should; He gave them to me! If the God of the universe thinks I have what it takes to write awesome stuff and be in full-time ministry, then I ought to believe I can too. And if I remember to let Him guide my pen (well, fingers), then I know I'll accomplish what He wants me to accomplish, when He wants me to accomplish it.

It's no fun dreaming small, and it's no fun trying to make things happen in your own strength. I'll see certain dreams of mine come to fruition when the time is right; when it's His time. I don't have to settle for ordinary, expected, or anything less than the very best that God has for me...and neither do you! I can (and should) work hard for my dreams to become realities, but I don't have to do it alone or force it into existence. God knows what's best for me and when, and at the end of the day, despite my impatience and apparent ADD, I'd rather let Him take my hand and lead me down His path than try and make my own way.

He is the Way, and I'd rather follow Him.

We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. 

(Proverbs 16:1, NLT)

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. 

(Proverbs 16:9, NLT)

Always Moving Forward

I mentioned in my last post that this past year, my biggest take-away was to "just be" and to "just be me" and to "be the same." But if you're like me, sometimes this can be hard to do on a mental and emotional level because you can get so caught up in regretting past mistakes or the woulda-coulda-shouldas of life.

Thank you to Pinterest for helping me discover this quote,
and to PicMonkey for helping design this image!

I've talked about it before online, in my private journaling; in my head, and verbally with others. I've talked about moving forward and forgetting the past and forgiving myself and yada yada yada. All good and true.

Yet, I must admit that I haven't always taken my own advice.

I hate that, but it's true. I'm sure some of you, like me, have experienced this before as well. We tell ourselves to forget and forgive and to move on, and we say that we have and that we are. Sometimes, we really do, but other times are more difficult.

Maybe on the surface, we can even make ourselves and others believe it. But at the end of the day, we haven't actually done anything about it, because we haven't really looked at our hearts. We just know forgiving and pressing forward are the "Christian things to do," so we try our best to do them, oftentimes, within our own strength.

And, oftentimes, we fail. And sometimes we beat ourselves up over...and over...and over again.

We continue to think about our mistakes and regrets and past sins; continue to replay and rewrite scenarios and conversations in our heads; continue to want to change something that is long over and done with, regardless of the consequences we are left with.

This is not only a waste of time, but it's also a symptom of pride. When we mull over the mistakes of our past (whether 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago), we are hoping and wishing to fix things ourselves; we're beating ourselves up for not being perfect, and we're not taking hold of and living out of the grace God freely gives us.

In a sense, we are just nailing Jesus back up on that cross, and without realizing it, saying that His sacrifice wasn't enough to cover our mistakes. As if what I did or said was so bad that He couldn't possibly fix it. As if that thing I said or that thing I did was so bad, that His blood couldn't possibly have covered it.

What a slap in His face!

We cannot beat ourselves up over our past mistakes. God still loves us, and it's pretty dang difficult for Him to stop. We have to remember Romans 8. The whole chapter is good, but specifically:

 Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for US ALL, won’t He also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? NO ONE—for God Himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? NO ONE—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. (v. 32-34, NLT, emphases mine)

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?...NO, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, Who loved us. (v. 35 & 37, NLT, emphasis mine)

And I am convinced that NOTHING can EVER separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, NOTHING in ALL creation will EVER be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (v. 38-39, NLT, emphases mine)

NOTHING can separate us from His love. Not anything that anyone or anything can do to us; not anything anyone can say about or against us; and not anything we can do, have done, or will do ourselves, to ourselves or anyone else.

NOTHING and NO ONE (including ourselves) can make God love us any less or any more than He already does. It's absolutely impossible. He will literally NEVER stop loving us. Even those who have gone to Hell or who will go to Hell; that didn't or won't stop Him from still loving those people.

Think about it: if you're a believer, what did you do to get saved? Besides believe and confess, NOTHING! You didn't have to be perfect, and you didn't have to get your life right. You just had to believe and confess, according to Romans 10:9-10; you simply had to accept the finished work Christ had already done for you.

So why do we so often think we have to be perfect to please God? Why do we so often think God is mad at or disappointed in us when we mess up? And why do we think anything that we do ourselves could ever keep us saved?

Yes, our works are very important - far more important than some people today seem to think. But even so, our works don't save us. They never could. They never will.

We are saved only by grace, through our faith. Ephesians 2:8-9 is clear on this, as well as on the facts that works don't save us:

For it is BY GRACE you have been saved, THROUGH FAITH—and this is NOT from yourselves, it IS the gift of God— NOT by works, so that no one can boast.

We are imperfect people who need a perfect Savior.

I'm quite far from being a Type A personality, so I never associated myself with being a perfectionist. But over this last year, the Holy Spirit has definitely showed me that's been a far greater area of struggle for me than I was ever willing or ready to admit. Instead of being grateful for where and what God has brought me out of, I get mad at myself for not having done it all right the first time. One of the enemy's favorite lines to whisper in my ear is that I should have known better and that I'll never be good enough.

And you know what? The enemy is right! I won't ever be good enough.

But the enemy is the father of lies and he always twists the truth - or in this case, leaves it out. No, I'll never be good enough...BUT GOD!

He has made me righteous!

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21, NIV)

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. (Romans 3:22, NLT)

But it is from Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who became God-given wisdom for us--our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. (1 Corinthians 1:30, HCSB)

He has made me pure, blameless, and holy!

Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. (Colossians 1:22, NLT)

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:7, NIV)

And of course, we must remember that God forgives us:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9, NIV)

So, I know this post kind was a bit long, and kind of went a couple different directions (at least it seems like that to me), but even so, it's been on my heart this past week. To close, here are some personal confessions I've reworded from Bible verses to say about ourselves and to encourage us in forgetting the past and moving forward:

“I don't remember the former things, and I don't dwell on the past. God is doing a new thing in my life!" (see Isaiah 43:18-19)

"I am a NEW creation in Christ! The old has gone, and the new is here!" (see 2 Corinthians 5:17)

"I put aside (and behind me!) the dark things of my past, and I now live in the light!" (see Romans 13:12 and 1 John 1:7 and Ephesians 5:8)

"I forget what's behind me. I look forward to what lies ahead. I am pressing onwards and upwards. I throw away everything that hinders me and the sin that slows me down. I will finish what God has called me to do and I will receive the prize He has for me!" (see Philippians 3:13-14 and Hebrews 12:1)

And let's remember what Lamentations 3:22-23 says:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. (ESV)

Let's forget the sins, mistakes, and regrets of our past and let's move forward; except for this time, let's really forget them and let's really move on. I for one am tired of dwelling on things I can't change. They are not worth my precious time anymore, and they aren't worth yours!

Life Back in Idaho Has Been...

Incredible. Interesting. Introspective. Intimidating. Illuminating.

(And apparently, accommodating to adequate alliteration.)

At the very tail-end of May, just over 24 hours after graduating from Bible college, Brent and I moved from Oklahoma back to Idaho. We didn't have a clue what was waiting for us in the land of potatoes and, well...other stuff. But we knew it was where God wanted us to go.

(By the way, in my last term of school I wrote this blog post recapping our time at school. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to give it a whirl. Not because it's particularly brilliant, but it might shed some better light on this post.)

A lot has happened in the nearly three months since moving back, and there's no way I can (or would want to) recall every tiny detail. However, I haven't written much of anything significant in *cough*four months*cough*, and because the last four weeks have been some of the most strange, emotional, frustrating, confusing and stressful weeks of my life (for an array of reasons), I figured a brief recap would be a good segue back into my writing routine and would help me to organize my very cluttered brain.

So, about that alliteration. Let's start with...

Intimidating. Brent and I had no idea what God had in store for us upon returning. We of course have a much better idea now, and while nothing is set in stone and a lot still has to take place, we've been testing the waters since being back. All I can say is that besides falling into place beautifully, being a great opportunity, and making a whole lot of sense...it's utterly terrifying to me. My thoughts have ranged from "this can't be right" to "this must be it" to "how is this going to work?" to "I couldn't do this if I tried" to "I can do this with my eyes closed" to "what the heck am I doing with my life?!" (And that's just one day's worth of thoughts, too.) But with that being said, I have faith in my very faithful God. I'm no longer trying to sort it all out on my own. I'm just going to serve people, my church and the Lord, sit back, and let whatever happens happen. I'm but a sheep who knows the voice of her Shepherd (see the earlier post I mentioned). He's got me, so I've got this...whatever "this" may end up being. I just need to listen, and I really just need to chill.

"If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success." (Proverbs 3:5-6, TLB)

"I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and power." (Philippians 4:13, TLB)

Interesting. Honestly, I think this word sums up the last [almost] three months pretty accurately. I'm not even sure the other words are all that necessary in light of this one, because this word applies to all the others. In fact, it's all-encompassing of the past couple years, let alone the past couple months. I've made mistake after error after blunder - with my words, in my thoughts, by my actions. I've been confused, I've been brokenhearted, I've been angry, I've been stupid. I've been ecstatic, I've been restful, I've been simple, I've been wise. I've had ups and downs and in-betweens...so goes the life of a human. I've stood up for myself and cared way too much about what people think; there have even been a few moments where I haven't cared what they thought at all, which is rare for me. All in all, the "interesting" part of this summer has simply been its perfect balance of learning opportunities: the right way and the the wrong way; the ups and the downs; the pros and the cons; the easy and the difficult.

"Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live, I’ll wholeheartedly obey." (Psalm 119:34, TLB)

Introspective. This one really goes hand-in-hand with "interesting," because with the learning opportunities I just mentioned comes the actual...you know...learning. And that's where introspection comes into play. One thing I'll give myself is that I'm self-aware. Not always perfectly, by any means, but I do know myself well enough to humbly admit my failures and weaknesses, and to humbly admit my successes and strengths (and no, that's not an oxymoron). This summer has been no stranger to self-reflection or self-examination. Like all of us, I haven't always immediately acted on what I've learned or realized about myself, good or bad. But nevertheless, I am learning and I am realizing.

There are a lot of things I could comment on in this section, but I think the biggest issue I've had while acclimating back to life outside the "Bible school bubble" is simply how religious I became while I was there. I remember the first time I noticed that I was becoming a Pharisee. I could tell you exactly what made me recognize it and exactly where I was when I did. It upset me...it embarrassed me...it angered me. But I didn't do a single thing to change it. I was too caught up in the culture; too prideful. I acknowledged it, sure. To God, my husband, my friends, myself...but I usually made it a joke.

Even since being back home, I've made it a joke. And people laugh; I laugh. One thing I've noticed about being open about one's flaws is that people love it. It doesn't make them feel alone; it allows them to let their guard down; it's real. I love people, so I love when people can be comfortable around me and vice versa. People have always told me they love how open, honest and real I am and how comfortable I make them feel; and I'm a "words of affirmation" girl, so I eat that up. I take that on as my identity. I'm the "real" girl. I'm the "open" one. "Look at me, I don't need walls...look at how open I am! Let me tell everyone everything I've ever done or dealt with so you'll feel comfortable around me and I'll feel important!" Gross...pride is so gross. (See. Introspection. It works wonders, I'm telling you. It's just the "doing something about it" part...)

So I keep making the same joke. "Whoops! Oh silly me, I became a Pharisee."

But it's not funny. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's actually a really, really big deal and needs to be eradicated. So currently, I'm working on this. I guess you could say, I'm working on my love life. I'm having to relearn something as simple and basic as how to love people with God's kind of love. And that's hard for a recent Bible school graduate to admit, despite how open she may be...

"Check up on yourselves. Are you really Christians? Do you pass the test? Do you feel Christ’s presence and power more and more within you? Or are you just pretending to be Christians when actually you aren’t at all?" (2 Corinthians 13:5, TLB)

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how His ways will really satisfy you." (Romans 12:2, TLB)

"Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us. Keep your eyes on Jesus, our Leader and Instructor." (Hebrews 12:1-2a, TLB)

Illuminating. When I re-read my school recap post before writing this one, while I was disappointed about forgetting so much of what I had realized about myself and had endeavored to become during those two years, I was also so very pleased with how much of it (even what I feel I'm currently failing at) I had actually achieved; with how much of it was still true; with how much of it I could still identify with. I have grown. I have changed. I have matured. I do love people, and at the end of the day, I really do know how to love them, too. And I have learned. Granted, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much of anything at all...but nevertheless, I've learned. I've learned a lot; and not just book or head knowledge either. I have some solid heart knowledge in there, too.

I'm young and naive and a bit immature, but I'm not as young, naive and immature as I sometimes think. I am capable of pouring into people's lives. I do have something to offer and bring to the table that only I can, whatever that may be. I may be young, but I am able...because He enables me. I've made (and will continue to make) mistakes, but I know exactly who I am in Christ. I don't need to dwell on my past mistakes anymore either, whether it was a mistake from 10 years ago or a mistake I made this morning. Learn...forgive...forget...move on. I don't need to search for my identity anymore, though I'll always be learning and growing. I know who He says I am, who He made me to be, and who He wants me to be. I just need to hone some things, like we all do and will continue having to do. And at the end of the day, I just need to chill. Breathe. Relax. I need to cut myself a break. I need to cut everyone else a break, too. We're all learning, all growing, all figuring this Christianity thing out...all figuring this life thing out!

"Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done and won’t need to compare himself with someone else. Each of us must bear some faults and burdens of his own. For none of us is perfect!" (Galatians 6:3-5, TLB)

"But now God has shown us a different way to heaven—not by 'being good enough' and trying to keep His laws, but by a new way (though not new, really, for the Scriptures told about it long ago). Now God says He will accept and acquit us—declare us 'not guilty'—if we trust Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, by coming to Christ, no matter who we are or what we have been like." (Romans 3:21-22, TLB)

"But if we confess our sins to Him, He can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins." (1 John 1:9, TLB)

"Don’t let anyone think little of you because you are young. Be their ideal; let them follow the way you teach and live; be a pattern for them in your love, your faith, and your clean thoughts." (1 Timothy 4:12, TLB)

And finally, incredible. Life is truly amazing here in Idaho. I have loved picking up with old friends and making new ones. I've loved being in the same town as our families again. I have fallen in love with my home church in a way that I had never before, and have realized what an awesome church family I have and am blessed to be a part of. I've been so blessed to watch my husband grow more and more into the mighty man God has called him to be. We found out last month that we'll be welcoming a baby boy into our home this winter; we've named him Declan James and can't wait to meet him! Have there been some hard times? Yes. Some awkward times? Sure. Some heartbreaking and confusing moments? Unfortunately. But there have been inspiring times and restful times and hilarious times and excellent times. As is life. God is faithful. He is a Keeper of His promises. He is unchanging, even when everything else around me is. He is constant. He never fails me. He never leaves me. He is able. He is strong. He is mighty. He is perfect. He is Love, and He is Lord. He loves me...and I love Him.

And at the end of the day, that's all I ever really need to know anyway.

"But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile—now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order that I can have Christ, and become one with Him, no longer counting on being saved by being good enough or by obeying God’s laws, but by trusting Christ to save me; for God’s way of making us right with Himself depends on faith—counting on Christ alone. Now I have given up everything else—I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought Him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with Him. So whatever it takes, I will be one who lives in the fresh newness of life of those who are alive from the dead. I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us." (Philippians 3:7-14, TLB)

Write Away

It's been a while since I've posted, mainly because this past school term was a bit all over the place. I missed a week of classes due to being sick, I'm down to four weeks until I submit my very last undergrad assignment ever, and we began the process of packing up our apartment. But now it's Spring Break! I know that after graduation, I probably won't ever have an entire week to do nothing ever again, unless I'm taking a designated vacation. Officially being a "grown-up" is growing ever closer, and honestly, I couldn't be more ready (albeit already feeling nostalgic for Spring Breaks).

Exactly two months from today, we will be arriving in our old-new hometown, and starting a new chapter. Personally, I'm looking forward to being back in Idaho and out of school so I can commit more time to actually developing my writing career. More on that to come, as I...you know...write stuff.

When it comes to my writing, these last two years (really, these last several years) have been a bit sporadic. I've never stopped writing, and I try my hand at different mediums often. But I haven't been able to devote as much time to it as I'd like to, especially not enough to develop it into a side job, let alone a career and ministry.

Still, the two interests I've had and been continuously committed to since their inception in my life, regardless of whatever season I was in or what I was going through, have been God and writing. In fact, in all honesty, I have to admit that even though I believed in God before I ever wrote a well-structured sentence, my "first love" really was writing. It's been my main hobby, pastime, creative outlet and ideal career choice since I was seven years old, but now it's gone from being "just a hobby" and a "dream job," into a full-blown "why not" reality. Now that I'm a closer-to-30-than-20 married woman with a degree in social services, who might have a baby one of these days and who wants to do full-time ministry for the rest of her life, making a priority out of writing is a priority. Now that I am consumed with my Creator more than I've ever been with no sign of slowing down, I can't imagine not creating for and with Him for the rest of my life on this earth.

Photo Source

I've even had "words spoken over me" (that's Christianese for "one time someone prayed for me and the Lord gave them something to say to me") regarding writing, my words, and how to use them. The Lord has also "spoken to my heart" (a Christianese, and only slightly less awkward, way of saying "God told me so" that is sometimes legitimate and sometimes based solely on human emotions...here's to believing mine is the former) about my writing more than once. I've also received several comments from people regarding my writing that I knew were reminders from Him, about what He wants me to do with my love of writing.

Basically...I know writing is forever in my future.

While I honestly believe that I've always written well (not that I didn't have to learn, but it always came naturally to me), and while I feel my voice as a writer has developed beautifully, albeit not flawlessly, over the years, I have not always written "as unto the Lord." I have written plenty of times - whether that be a blog post, a status update or comment, a letter, or even a text message - with incredibly poor motives and disgusting pride; to correct-in-love, which wound up being passive-aggressive condemnation; and have at various times lacked grace, mercy, understanding, the "big picture" mentality and appropriate discretion. (I even got caught once for legitimately plagiarizing a college essay. It was my first and only time, and during an incredibly low point in an already incredibly low season of my life. I am forever grateful for the gracious professor who dropped me rather than reporting me...though if she had, I wouldn't have blamed her.)

I have written in endless notebooks and typed countless Word documents, with words conveying both beauty and nonsense. I have littered the World Wide Web with failed blog attempts, confessional Facebook "notes" and immature MySpace...um...whatever it was that MySpace called them. I have written spoken word poetry that has been both incredibly lame and surprisingly extravagant. (I love to recite my spoken word pieces, too, but I recite every poem the same way so I definitely need to work on my delivery...ahem.)

I am not a perfect writer, nor will I ever be...but I love to do it. I can write for hours on end, and not tire, forgetting when I started and not wanting to stop. I want to change the world, and I want to do that in action and in word, both written and spoken. I believe I have something to say that the world needs to hear, and the balancing act is making sure I always say what it is He wants me to say; that I stay away from my own opinions and focus instead on His absolute truths; that my thoughts are always His thoughts.

And I look forward to writing every beautifully imperfect piece until I go Home.

I'm not quite sure how to close this post out, so here's my current favorite song. Have a blessed day!

A Brief Recap of the Last Two Years

OK, well...it's brief in that I'm recapping 2 years in one post. (Cut me some slack!)

My husband and I graduate from Bible school in twelve weeks. Two years seems so long ago, and yet, I feel like we've been here forever. When we got married, we were young and in love; immature and committed; and we only knew two things about our future: we wanted to devote our lives and our marriage to the Lord, and we wanted to go to Bible school before we had kids. 

At this particular time in our life, my husband had only been a Christian for two years and had already read more of the Bible in those two than I had in ten; I was a believer who was recovering from a fall off of a rather high horse. We both loved the Lord, but we were still figuring out how to "be a Christian."

So I must confess: we never really, technically prayed about where God wanted us to go. Horrible, right? We kind of just...decided. We, more or less, picked somewhere. You'd think that wanting to do the work of the Lord for the rest of our known existence, we would have thought to ask Him where He wanted us to go or what He wanted us to do, but we never really got around to that.

And yet, He still told us. The Holy Spirit is awesome like that.

We thought we were picking the school that we did simply because we knew a few people who had gone, we knew the basic doctrine was sound, and it was the cheapest Bible school out of all the ones we looked at. Looking back, the reality was it was absolutely where God wanted us to go the whole time, and our deciding was His prompting. We just didn't realize it at the time, and were taking the credit.

So…we got married in October, applied in December, and after having gotten accepted in January, we just went with it. And we knew it was right, even if we didn't really know how to ask God at the time. We just knew. He had already told us, whether we realized it or not. I tell you what: His grace had to have been all over us to keep us from ever doubting our decision because believe me, we so easily could have. But everything was falling into place perfectly. It made so much sense. 

So in June 2012, we left everything and everyone we had ever known. We ventured off into our future having no idea what to expect or what was to come of it; only that God was good and He had a plan that somehow involved us.

First year was a whirlwind of shock and awe and excitement and figuring all sorts of things out. Things about God, about ourselves, about marriage, about Christianity, about church, and about all of the things we thought we knew before about all of those same things. It was a season of restoration for me personally – a season which I honestly feel is just now coming to a close, and at perfect timing. For me, it was a season of separation from the world and an embracing of Christian culture for the first time in a long time. Both were needed in that season, and while I made some mistakes in both arenas, I don’t regret diving head first into either of them. Like I said, I needed this season. I wholeheartedly believe it was the only way for God to really grab my attention, and start shifting my focus from my past to His future for me. And it worked.

Due to the polar opposites of separation and embracing, first year was also a time of learning how to balance – something I believe for the rest of my life, I’ll be fighting for. I had a lot to learn. I think I was just excited about God and ministry and the Bible and truth and all the little bits and pieces I was learning. I was so confident in what I believed now, where as before I used to compromise so much. I was so confident in who I was and what kind of life was available to me in Christ, and I just wanted everyone - even other believers - to know that they could have it too. The problem was I didn't really know how to handle it all or what to really do with it. Basically I had a boatload of zeal, but not a whole lot of wisdom.

Summer was both weird and wonderful. It was wonderful because of time spent with family that we hadn't seen in ages, as well as learning how to really spend time with God. My husband and I also had amazing times spent with each other and with wonderful, God-chosen friends. I also got a lot of free coffee, and I love Oklahoma summers too - the rain, the storms, the heat, and the smell and feel of humidity in the air.

However, as I said, it was also weird. Mainly it was the growing pains that made it weird. I found myself constantly at odds with…myself. But really, the Holy Spirit was showing me how to hear His voice and recognize it over the other voices of this world vying for my attention. And not only was He teaching me to hear and recognize His voice, but also to listen to it – to really, truly know that I know that I know the voice of my Shepherd. It was also really the first season in my life that I tangibly realized the weight of the responsibility of being a follower of Christ, the reality of the loneliness of leadership, and the warfare that’s constantly being waged for my soul.

And hey, that whole learning process can be weird for us sheep sometimes.

Second year has come and is now almost over, with only one and a quarter term left. This year has been different. It started out different.  It was all about my character. All about who I was as a minister of reconciliation; as a messenger of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; as a leader; as salt and as light; as a citizen of Heaven; as a person. It's been a school year of being set free from emotional and mental battles, and even some physical ones. It’s been a school year of introspection and realizations about myself like I've never experienced, and probably haven’t even fully grasped yet. It’s been a school year of putting into practice what my weird and wonderful summer taught me: that I can hear the voice of God. This second year has confirmed what I already knew: that my life is not my own, and that I don’t have the right to have a bad day. 

I've been reminded that I can no longer exalt mistakes above the blood of my Savior, and to be slow to speak and quick to listen (I'll be working on that for years to come). I've learned that I don't always have to have an answer or a response, and that sometimes, the only answer or response necessary is "no." I've learned to love better, to be faithful, how to refocus and encourage myself in the Lord, how to pray. I've been reminded that the reason I'm here is for people. People are the only thing that matter on this earth. People...being set free...from deception, darkness and death. I've been reminded that not everyone will like me, not everyone will agree with me, and that people really don't spend their time thinking about me as much as I think they do. And God has used this school year to assure me, more than anything else, that I am exactly where He wants me to be, in every way.

And this second year, as I said, started out differently than before. The first week, much to my surprise, we found out we were going to move back to Idaho after school. We assumed that meant after Brent's third year. But by Christmas, we knew we were moving back to Idaho after this year. (Oh, um...I guess that was my official public announcement. We’re moving back to Idaho this May!)

And I think that in revealing to us when He did, God did a beautiful job (as always) of bringing things around full circle. We “just knew” in December 2011 that we’d be coming here, and in December 2013 – exactly two years later – we knew that we’d be going back. The same voice that told us to come here two years ago - the voice that we weren't entirely confident yet calling “God” - that was and is the same God who now is leading us back. But the difference between then and now - what makes it full circle - is that this time, we know. We recognize His voice, recognize His peace, and follow that voice...follow that peace.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me."

John 10:27

I believe one of the few key things God wanted to teach me in these two years was that I can be confident in knowing His voice. The same Spirit that I've heard throughout the entirety of my Christian walk - that still, small voice - that's Him. It's always been Him. What a blessing to look back over the past 12 years of being a born-again believer; to look at all of those times when I doubted myself, or when I thought God wasn't answering, or even when I was just starting out as a Christian all on my own - how beautiful to know that I knew the Holy Spirit from the very first day I decided to live for Him! I'm almost tempted to feel bummed for having not realized it all these years, but how can I be? It's beyond amazing! How humbling and precious to know that He's spoken to me since the very first day of my journey with Him.

Now we're preparing for a new season...another new adventure that we know nothing about. All we really know is the next step: move back. That's it. And as much as I'd love to know more, I'm so thankful that I even know just that one thing with complete confidence. After two years and thousands of dollars, if knowing that I know (and have known) God's voice was the only thing I learned, it would have still been worth every day and every penny.

And if you're a believer, and you're always wondering why God never says anything to you, I promise you, He does! It may sound like a broken record (faith comes by hearing!), but it really is that still, small voice. So be still...and know that He is God!

Jesus said in John 14:16-17, "And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever - the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you."

Back From My Break

Five days ago I ended my 3-week long social media break, right on schedule.

It was wonderful, to say the least. Along with the break from social media, my husband and I had chosen to not do any unnecessary spending for the entire month of January, and I had also cut my coffee intake down to one cup a day (though I cheated on occasion with that one).

Needless to say, all of those ingredients made for awesome nights of deep sleep and awesome days that were far more focused, and thus, better spent.

When I first left social media, I posted the following status on my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts:

When I returned, I was greeted by the following...

Not only did the kind words typed make my day (words of affirmation is my top love language, after all), but it was also incredibly humbling. The responses said to me that even when I doubted myself prior to the break, I had still been accomplishing what the Lord had led me to do with social media months ago, and that was to be encouraging...be positive...be a light.

I stepped back from social media for three reasons: I was simply spending way too much time on it and needed some peace and quiet; I was feeling guilty over a few status updates, comments and links shared in recent weeks; and because I wanted to reevaluate how and why I used social media at all.

Not to make me sound like a flawless user of social media (because I am most definitely not), but if I'm being totally honest, one of the things that I took from the past three weeks was that I was being way too hard on myself. I had been doing just what God had led me to do online, and though I've absolutely "fleshed out" (that's Christianese for "not doing what Jesus would do") in the recent past, the reality was, and still is, that I really am positive on Facebook, and it wasn't just these people's comments that showed me that.

I'm not saying this to be arrogant or "holier than thou" or anything, but...it's the truth. I am positive on Facebook, I am nice online, I am drama-free and I am a light.

Have I always been? No.

Have I been since the Lord specifically led me to be those things online several months ago? Absolutely not.

Will I be from now on? Actually...

Yes.

I don't know why I wouldn't, to be completely honest. Not that I'm perfect, by any means - I know that better than anyone else. But for me, the whole purpose of this social media break was to pinpoint my problem areas in social media so that I could work on them, recognize incorrect motives and methods, and do something about it so that those things won't be problem areas anymore.

The purpose of my social media break was not just to rest from online noise. It was to look inward and make necessary adjustments, so that I could better focus my attention where it should be focused: outward. Not just online, but in every area of my life. What a waste it would have been if I took this break, focused in on specific scriptures, recognized what I needed to change, repented, and sought and received answers from God...only to not endeavor to actually put into practice what I had learned.

Again, that's not to say I won't ever make another mistake in some way, shape or form for the rest of my known online life...but the reality is, I don't have to if I don't want to.

For one thing, I'm in control. I'm in control of my choices, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and even my feelings and emotions. I'm in control of whether or not I voice my own personal opinion in a "knowledge puffs up" kind of way, or if I speak God's Truth in a "love builds up" kind of way. It's my choice whether or not I respond to something, it's my choice whether or not I comment, and it's my choice whether or not I share something. There are some things in life that I simply cannot control, but everything I do on social media is always my choice.

For another thing (and this goes hand-in-hand with self-control), my goal in life is to please my Father. I know my Father, and because I know Him, I very well know the difference between what does and does not please Him.

So...having said all of that...I still plan on using social media for as long as social media exists. I still plan on sharing random anecdotes, pictures and updates from my personal life. I still plan on sharing [some] articles and videos that I find interesting. When I have children, I'll probably annoy you with pictures of them throughout your day and I probably won't care, because my kids will be ridiculously cute. I also plan on continuing to use Facebook as a way to share and show the beautiful love, absolute truth and redeeming power of an Almighty God at work in the life of an imperfect girl like me.

P.S. - When you ask for prayer on Facebook, and I tell you I'm praying for you, I mean it. However, I'll never accept your invitation to play FarmVille (is that still a thing?) or Candy Crush, I don't really care whether or not the cute puppy or sick child can get a million likes, and I probably won't ever send you a Facebook gift...though, I really do mean it when I tell you happy birthday.

My Opinion Doesn't Matter...

...and if you're a Christian, yours doesn't really either.

It may come as a surprise, but it's the truth.

I'm not saying we can't have opinions on certain things. For example, my opinion on neon orange is that it doesn't look good on me. See? An opinion that's pretty nonchalant and doesn't really call much attention to itself. It's just...an opinion.

But so often, people (myself included) get this idea in their head that their opinion on certain things actually matters in the grand scheme of all existence and that their opinion is so awesomely correct that it deserves to be acknowledged simply in the name of free speech (which, in my opinion, doesn't actually exist...but I digress).

I've recently discovered that this isn't true.

Now, I like to talk and I like to be listened to. [My opinion is] I don't actually think that's always a bad thing, but it can lead to negative...stuff. I know for my life, it definitely has. Not world-shattering stuff, but...stuff.

For example, a while back I thought that I actually knew stuff about politics, so I thought (on more than one occasion) that I'd shoot my mouth off about my opinion, only to wind up looking like a bit of a fool. (Funny, I think I read about that somewhere...Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive. - Prov. 17:28)

I've also been guilty of subconsciously feeling as though I "knew it all," and therefore acted like a "Know-It-All." (Hmmm, that sounds familiar too...We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. And if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know. - 1 Cor. 8:1-2)

A while back, I chose to only be positive on my Facebook. I wanted to keep it simple and focused on Jesus. Yes, I post pictures of what my husband and I are up to and so on and so forth. But I purpose to preach the gospel to every creature, Christians included, and Facebook is a great way to do that. I've recently given into the temptation to be opinionated recently though, and I've been pretty passive-aggressive about it.

Warning: Honesty Ahead

I'll share articles others have written as a way to sneak my opinion on a topic in without having to say it myself because "I've chosen to use Facebook on purpose to encourage others and share the love of Christ." And in showing such evident Christ-like love, I've even posted some of those articles with specific people in mind that I want to read said article. Why? Sure, there was a part of me that wanted them to think about changing their minds, or even just wanted them to be open-minded enough to understand why we Christians believe the way we do, but it really all came down to two things: A) I wanted the people to know that I was right and that they were wrong, and B) I wanted to share my opinion, in whatever way I could, simply because I wasn't sharing it. MY voice wasn't being heard. MY thoughts and ideas and opinions were left alone.

So classy. So full of love. So humble.

You know what all of that was? PRIDE. Gross, disgusting, nauseating, evil, sin-producing PRIDE. And that's what wanting to share our opinions always is, isn't it?

It's just pride.

We want to be heard. We don't want to admit we're wrong. We want to be agreed with. We want people on our side. We want to defend ourselves or what we believe or what we like or what we want. We want to be right. We want it to be all about us.

But it's not about us, Christians.

It's never been about us. It never has been, and it never will.

If you are a Christian, it's about HIM. It always was, is and forever will be. HIS plan. HIS purpose. HIS people.

My opinion should be HIS opinion. HIS "opinion" is His Word. It's the Bible. That's what we should be basing all of our "big" opinions on. And when we're caught in the middle of an opinion war, we need to always bring it back to HIS opinion...HIS word...HIS truth.

And yes, I know that nonbelievers don't always get why we trust the Bible so much, and I know that it can be frustrating, but God's Word doesn't need defending. (Not to mention, the only reason you're frustrated is probably because of pride anyway, and it has nothing to do with wanting to defend God.) But just in case it does, God doesn't need defending. His Word won't return void. His Word stands the test of time. His Word IS absolute Truth (not an opinion), and we can share what the Bible says and still walk in love. I promise, it's possible!

And I'm not saying we can't be outspoken or bold in what the Word says; by all means, do, be and say. But be bold in love, and check yourself. (I'm still learning how to do this, too!) What's your motive? Are you being led by the Spirit, or by your own flesh and pride? Do you want to glorify Him or yourself? Do you want to point people to TRUTH, or do you want people to "know you're right?"

When someone "wins" an argument or a debate, often times, both people lose. I can't speak for all Christians, but I know my motivation in several past theological debates I've had (and, in my opinion, there's a difference between a heated debate and a healthy discussion - I rarely regret healthy discussions, but I digress) was to get the other person to lose face. My thinking was that if they lost face and had nothing to say, even if they were angry, they'd realize their error and come to the truth of Christ. It was also because I wanted them to know they were wrong. (And...in all honesty...wanting them to come to the knowledge of the Truth often took a backseat to wanting them to know I was right.)

But I can also honestly say I've repented before the Lord for this pride, and I'm not living in those past failures, no matter how recent they may have been. I'm reminded everyday that it's not about me or what I think or about what people have done or said to me, or vice versa. It's about Him and what He said. It's about pressing forward. It's about getting HIS message of LOVE out to a lost and dying world.

Ask yourself these questions, Christ-Follower:

What message am I sending to people?

Is it about me? What I know? What I do? How I'm right? What I think about this or that?

Or do I bring people His message? Do I glorify Jesus? Do I point to Jesus? Does my life produce His fruit? Do my actions, words and thoughts look like His?

Am I living for me, or am I living on purpose for Him?

And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. 

(1 Corinthians 2:1-5)

Slow Down This Season

Today has been the coldest day since the beginning of fall, at least to me. But I've loved it. It reminds me of my Ida-home! And it's just nostalgic in general. This - the holiday season - is my favorite time of the year, and it's a shame it seems to go by so fast each time it comes around.

I got out of class early today, and there was about 20 minutes to spare until the next one started. I started making my way towards the other building. Unbeknownst to me at the time, however, was the fact that I was the only one heading to class so early. When I walked outside, I was immediately hit with the cold air and the fresh smell of fall. I looked around at the gorgeous colors against the gray sky as I approached the door to the next building, when I suddenly noticed how quiet it was. I then realized that no one was in sight - not outside, and not in the buildings on either side of me or in the cars parked close by.

It was silent.

All I could hear was the light wind and dry leaves scratching the ground and each other. I thought about heading inside, but then I decided against it. It was too beautiful...it was too peaceful...it was all God.

He is so romantic, like that. He knows just what sounds and smells enamor and woo me. Autumn and winter scapes, the ocean, summer storms...my heart just melts, and He and I both know I am His and no one else's. No one else can speak this love language to me but Him, because it's one only He can speak.

I took a few pictures (which I'm glad I took because the colors are just amazing), but I wish I would have really taken in the nearly five minutes that I was completely by myself; just my Lover and me. I should have walked the path once or twice more, prayed, and sat silent in His presence.

I had just came from a preaching lab class, where we students get some practice in the pulpit. A fellow student had just spoken on how God is not disappointed in us. Before he began preaching, I already knew that God was not disappointed in me. But by the end of the sermon, I knew it and believed it. It was impactful. It was profound. It was beautiful. And it was God speaking to me.

Those few moments were for me, from Him. They were just what I needed, and I didn't even realize it until writing this. I may go back there today, to take in what I acknowledged but brisked right through earlier. I know He'll show up again. He's already there. He's already here.

I encourage you to not rush through this holiday season. Don't try to keep up with anyone, any trend, or any societal expectation. There are no Joneses to keep up with. There is only God. Love Him, know that He loves you, and love people.

Breathe...

Relax...

Be inspired...

He is here, and He loves you.

I can't tell where my shoes begin and the leaves end!

"Your Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path."
Psalm 119:105

I actually took this one the other day,
but I wanted to include it here.
It's just so beautiful!

I love those little God-created moments in between the busyness of everyday life, where God just reminds you how much He loves you...What are some of your favorite moments or circumstances, that you know God created just for you? 

Bible Breakdown...James 3:16

This is something I've been thinking about since Sunday night, and even more recently since yesterday: we as Christians should avoid strife at ALL costs. Why? The answer can be found in the book of James.

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."

 - James 3:16 (KJV)

Brent and I volunteer with our church's altar care ministry, and one of our group leaders was teaching at our meeting Sunday night. He was encouraging us as volunteers in different areas, and began talking about the importance of walking in love at all times. He referenced this verse, stating that we as Christians ought to avoid strife at all costs because, as he put it, "when there's strife, there's the manifest presence of the devil." That really stood out to me - it gave me a lot to think about!

How often have I contributed to strife, without even considering it? How many times have I posted things on Facebook that I knew were controversial? How many times have I participated in (or even initiated) gossip? How many times have I been on a mission to prove how "right" I was? How many times have I contributed, in any way, shape or form, to strife? At home? At work? At church? With loved ones? Online? I can  pull out a few specifics from recent months (weeks...days), but I couldn't tell you how many times beyond those that I've been guilty of my fair share of strife-causing.

Thinking about this not only led me to repentance, but it also inspired me to dig a bit deeper into this particular verse and how it relates to on-purpose living. It's located towards the end of the well-known tongue-taming chapter (which is worth a read-through...and another one...and another), but I want to focus on this particular verse tonight.

(Please keep in mind: I am in no way, shape or form a Greek scholar, nor do I pretend to or want to be. I simply love to go a bit deeper in Bible study, and Blue Letter Bible helps me do that - check it out if you never have!)

"Strife" comes from the Greek word eritheia, which means, "a desire to put oneself forward." This word stems from another Greek word, erethizō, which means, "to stir up, stimulate, to provoke." Many other translations translate strife as "selfish ambition" or "selfishness." The Message translation of James 3:16 puts it perfectly: 

"Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, 

things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats." 

And that's what it really is, isn't it? Wanting to look better than others. We want to be right, to be superior, to promote ourselves. We try to cover it with an array of excuses (personality, self-confidence, "my personal opinion is," and so forth), but let's just call it what it is: pride! Plain and simple. We want our voice to be heard, in some way or another. (I may take "wanting my voice to be heard" a bit more literally than some.) The Message translation of this verse really hits home for me because this (pride) is one of my biggest problems! I've been guilty of trying to prove I'm right, of using my body language to let people know that I think they're inferior to me in some way, and of straight-up Pharisaism. 

Real Christlike, huh?

But what's the point of self-promotion as a Christian? Answer: there isn't one! No wonder everything falls apart when selfish ambition exists in the life of a believer - it's the exact opposite of what our purpose here is! It is always, always, always about HIM. His Kingdom. His glory. His people. His plan. His Word.

I have to remember that it's never, ever about me. I'm dead to myself - it's no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me! My personal opinions don't matter in the grand scheme of things. In fact, in my desire to live every day of my life on purpose - the purpose of sharing and spreading the Gospel of Jesus! - every day is an opportunity to grow more and more into the likeness of Christ, and that includes making His "opinions" mine. It includes walking in love at all times, and that means NEVER causing or engaging in strife! It means avoiding strife at all costs.

And yes...I absolutely believe it's possible to walk in love at all times. I believe it's absolutely possible to avoid strife at all costs! Is it easy to do? Not by ourselves it isn't! But that's the beauty - we don't ever have to do it by ourselves! I have LOVE HIMSELF...PEACE HIMSELF, living on the inside of me, and if you're a Christian, you do too!

Will we fail at this from time to time? Sure we will, because we're human. But we can grow, develop and increase in this area daily by spending time with Him, inviting Him into our day-to-day lives, and staying sensitive to His voice throughout our day.

Do that, and I guarantee you - it'll be more and more difficult to not walk in love as you grow up in Him!