A Brief Recap of the Last Two Years

OK, well...it's brief in that I'm recapping 2 years in one post. (Cut me some slack!)

My husband and I graduate from Bible school in twelve weeks. Two years seems so long ago, and yet, I feel like we've been here forever. When we got married, we were young and in love; immature and committed; and we only knew two things about our future: we wanted to devote our lives and our marriage to the Lord, and we wanted to go to Bible school before we had kids. 

At this particular time in our life, my husband had only been a Christian for two years and had already read more of the Bible in those two than I had in ten; I was a believer who was recovering from a fall off of a rather high horse. We both loved the Lord, but we were still figuring out how to "be a Christian."

So I must confess: we never really, technically prayed about where God wanted us to go. Horrible, right? We kind of just...decided. We, more or less, picked somewhere. You'd think that wanting to do the work of the Lord for the rest of our known existence, we would have thought to ask Him where He wanted us to go or what He wanted us to do, but we never really got around to that.

And yet, He still told us. The Holy Spirit is awesome like that.

We thought we were picking the school that we did simply because we knew a few people who had gone, we knew the basic doctrine was sound, and it was the cheapest Bible school out of all the ones we looked at. Looking back, the reality was it was absolutely where God wanted us to go the whole time, and our deciding was His prompting. We just didn't realize it at the time, and were taking the credit.

So…we got married in October, applied in December, and after having gotten accepted in January, we just went with it. And we knew it was right, even if we didn't really know how to ask God at the time. We just knew. He had already told us, whether we realized it or not. I tell you what: His grace had to have been all over us to keep us from ever doubting our decision because believe me, we so easily could have. But everything was falling into place perfectly. It made so much sense. 

So in June 2012, we left everything and everyone we had ever known. We ventured off into our future having no idea what to expect or what was to come of it; only that God was good and He had a plan that somehow involved us.

First year was a whirlwind of shock and awe and excitement and figuring all sorts of things out. Things about God, about ourselves, about marriage, about Christianity, about church, and about all of the things we thought we knew before about all of those same things. It was a season of restoration for me personally – a season which I honestly feel is just now coming to a close, and at perfect timing. For me, it was a season of separation from the world and an embracing of Christian culture for the first time in a long time. Both were needed in that season, and while I made some mistakes in both arenas, I don’t regret diving head first into either of them. Like I said, I needed this season. I wholeheartedly believe it was the only way for God to really grab my attention, and start shifting my focus from my past to His future for me. And it worked.

Due to the polar opposites of separation and embracing, first year was also a time of learning how to balance – something I believe for the rest of my life, I’ll be fighting for. I had a lot to learn. I think I was just excited about God and ministry and the Bible and truth and all the little bits and pieces I was learning. I was so confident in what I believed now, where as before I used to compromise so much. I was so confident in who I was and what kind of life was available to me in Christ, and I just wanted everyone - even other believers - to know that they could have it too. The problem was I didn't really know how to handle it all or what to really do with it. Basically I had a boatload of zeal, but not a whole lot of wisdom.

Summer was both weird and wonderful. It was wonderful because of time spent with family that we hadn't seen in ages, as well as learning how to really spend time with God. My husband and I also had amazing times spent with each other and with wonderful, God-chosen friends. I also got a lot of free coffee, and I love Oklahoma summers too - the rain, the storms, the heat, and the smell and feel of humidity in the air.

However, as I said, it was also weird. Mainly it was the growing pains that made it weird. I found myself constantly at odds with…myself. But really, the Holy Spirit was showing me how to hear His voice and recognize it over the other voices of this world vying for my attention. And not only was He teaching me to hear and recognize His voice, but also to listen to it – to really, truly know that I know that I know the voice of my Shepherd. It was also really the first season in my life that I tangibly realized the weight of the responsibility of being a follower of Christ, the reality of the loneliness of leadership, and the warfare that’s constantly being waged for my soul.

And hey, that whole learning process can be weird for us sheep sometimes.

Second year has come and is now almost over, with only one and a quarter term left. This year has been different. It started out different.  It was all about my character. All about who I was as a minister of reconciliation; as a messenger of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; as a leader; as salt and as light; as a citizen of Heaven; as a person. It's been a school year of being set free from emotional and mental battles, and even some physical ones. It’s been a school year of introspection and realizations about myself like I've never experienced, and probably haven’t even fully grasped yet. It’s been a school year of putting into practice what my weird and wonderful summer taught me: that I can hear the voice of God. This second year has confirmed what I already knew: that my life is not my own, and that I don’t have the right to have a bad day. 

I've been reminded that I can no longer exalt mistakes above the blood of my Savior, and to be slow to speak and quick to listen (I'll be working on that for years to come). I've learned that I don't always have to have an answer or a response, and that sometimes, the only answer or response necessary is "no." I've learned to love better, to be faithful, how to refocus and encourage myself in the Lord, how to pray. I've been reminded that the reason I'm here is for people. People are the only thing that matter on this earth. People...being set free...from deception, darkness and death. I've been reminded that not everyone will like me, not everyone will agree with me, and that people really don't spend their time thinking about me as much as I think they do. And God has used this school year to assure me, more than anything else, that I am exactly where He wants me to be, in every way.

And this second year, as I said, started out differently than before. The first week, much to my surprise, we found out we were going to move back to Idaho after school. We assumed that meant after Brent's third year. But by Christmas, we knew we were moving back to Idaho after this year. (Oh, um...I guess that was my official public announcement. We’re moving back to Idaho this May!)

And I think that in revealing to us when He did, God did a beautiful job (as always) of bringing things around full circle. We “just knew” in December 2011 that we’d be coming here, and in December 2013 – exactly two years later – we knew that we’d be going back. The same voice that told us to come here two years ago - the voice that we weren't entirely confident yet calling “God” - that was and is the same God who now is leading us back. But the difference between then and now - what makes it full circle - is that this time, we know. We recognize His voice, recognize His peace, and follow that voice...follow that peace.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me."

John 10:27

I believe one of the few key things God wanted to teach me in these two years was that I can be confident in knowing His voice. The same Spirit that I've heard throughout the entirety of my Christian walk - that still, small voice - that's Him. It's always been Him. What a blessing to look back over the past 12 years of being a born-again believer; to look at all of those times when I doubted myself, or when I thought God wasn't answering, or even when I was just starting out as a Christian all on my own - how beautiful to know that I knew the Holy Spirit from the very first day I decided to live for Him! I'm almost tempted to feel bummed for having not realized it all these years, but how can I be? It's beyond amazing! How humbling and precious to know that He's spoken to me since the very first day of my journey with Him.

Now we're preparing for a new season...another new adventure that we know nothing about. All we really know is the next step: move back. That's it. And as much as I'd love to know more, I'm so thankful that I even know just that one thing with complete confidence. After two years and thousands of dollars, if knowing that I know (and have known) God's voice was the only thing I learned, it would have still been worth every day and every penny.

And if you're a believer, and you're always wondering why God never says anything to you, I promise you, He does! It may sound like a broken record (faith comes by hearing!), but it really is that still, small voice. So be still...and know that He is God!

Jesus said in John 14:16-17, "And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever - the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you."

Back From My Break

Five days ago I ended my 3-week long social media break, right on schedule.

It was wonderful, to say the least. Along with the break from social media, my husband and I had chosen to not do any unnecessary spending for the entire month of January, and I had also cut my coffee intake down to one cup a day (though I cheated on occasion with that one).

Needless to say, all of those ingredients made for awesome nights of deep sleep and awesome days that were far more focused, and thus, better spent.

When I first left social media, I posted the following status on my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts:

When I returned, I was greeted by the following...

Not only did the kind words typed make my day (words of affirmation is my top love language, after all), but it was also incredibly humbling. The responses said to me that even when I doubted myself prior to the break, I had still been accomplishing what the Lord had led me to do with social media months ago, and that was to be encouraging...be positive...be a light.

I stepped back from social media for three reasons: I was simply spending way too much time on it and needed some peace and quiet; I was feeling guilty over a few status updates, comments and links shared in recent weeks; and because I wanted to reevaluate how and why I used social media at all.

Not to make me sound like a flawless user of social media (because I am most definitely not), but if I'm being totally honest, one of the things that I took from the past three weeks was that I was being way too hard on myself. I had been doing just what God had led me to do online, and though I've absolutely "fleshed out" (that's Christianese for "not doing what Jesus would do") in the recent past, the reality was, and still is, that I really am positive on Facebook, and it wasn't just these people's comments that showed me that.

I'm not saying this to be arrogant or "holier than thou" or anything, but...it's the truth. I am positive on Facebook, I am nice online, I am drama-free and I am a light.

Have I always been? No.

Have I been since the Lord specifically led me to be those things online several months ago? Absolutely not.

Will I be from now on? Actually...

Yes.

I don't know why I wouldn't, to be completely honest. Not that I'm perfect, by any means - I know that better than anyone else. But for me, the whole purpose of this social media break was to pinpoint my problem areas in social media so that I could work on them, recognize incorrect motives and methods, and do something about it so that those things won't be problem areas anymore.

The purpose of my social media break was not just to rest from online noise. It was to look inward and make necessary adjustments, so that I could better focus my attention where it should be focused: outward. Not just online, but in every area of my life. What a waste it would have been if I took this break, focused in on specific scriptures, recognized what I needed to change, repented, and sought and received answers from God...only to not endeavor to actually put into practice what I had learned.

Again, that's not to say I won't ever make another mistake in some way, shape or form for the rest of my known online life...but the reality is, I don't have to if I don't want to.

For one thing, I'm in control. I'm in control of my choices, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and even my feelings and emotions. I'm in control of whether or not I voice my own personal opinion in a "knowledge puffs up" kind of way, or if I speak God's Truth in a "love builds up" kind of way. It's my choice whether or not I respond to something, it's my choice whether or not I comment, and it's my choice whether or not I share something. There are some things in life that I simply cannot control, but everything I do on social media is always my choice.

For another thing (and this goes hand-in-hand with self-control), my goal in life is to please my Father. I know my Father, and because I know Him, I very well know the difference between what does and does not please Him.

So...having said all of that...I still plan on using social media for as long as social media exists. I still plan on sharing random anecdotes, pictures and updates from my personal life. I still plan on sharing [some] articles and videos that I find interesting. When I have children, I'll probably annoy you with pictures of them throughout your day and I probably won't care, because my kids will be ridiculously cute. I also plan on continuing to use Facebook as a way to share and show the beautiful love, absolute truth and redeeming power of an Almighty God at work in the life of an imperfect girl like me.

P.S. - When you ask for prayer on Facebook, and I tell you I'm praying for you, I mean it. However, I'll never accept your invitation to play FarmVille (is that still a thing?) or Candy Crush, I don't really care whether or not the cute puppy or sick child can get a million likes, and I probably won't ever send you a Facebook gift...though, I really do mean it when I tell you happy birthday.